“Communicants’ Void” is the follow up to “Stress/City”, by which it is a delving into my condition. I mentioned prior that I suffer from a condition called ‘new daily persistent headache’, a condition which has caused me to have the same headache since January 27th @ 17:30 in 2019.

Since then, my personality has changed drastically. The first few weeks of the illness, when I was undiagnosed, I was hopeful yet mildly anxious. I was adamant it was a result of previous alcohol binges. This turned out to be untrue; I take that as neither a positive nor a negative point mind.

It was at the two week mark when I felt like a trip to the GP wouldn’t go amiss. Low and behold, after his examinations of me, he sent me packing to A&E, suspecting I’d had a brain haemorrhage.

Upon arriving in A&E I was shot full of painkillers and anxiolytics and given a brain CT scan, to no avail. I was let free of hospital for all of one week when I visited again, following a series of nosebleeds at college. This time they ordered a lumbar puncture, and more blood tests than you can shake a stick at. All of these tests were inconclusive. No evidence of anything nasty like stroke or brain haemorrhage, but they didn’t rule them out. I was sent packing again. This was the turning point for me, the day I started to break.

From this point on, I was diagnosed with depression and given cognitive behavioural therapy as well as amitriptyline to aid with the pain of the headaches.

My mood was rapidly declining as the pain worsened. Intrusive thoughts began, insomnia started and the rapid onset of lethargy and tiredness started affecting my work.

After even more medicines like sumatriptan, diazepam, zopiclone, codeine, tramadol alongside therapy and visits to the chiropractor to aid my stiffening neck, I felt no better. By December 2019, I broke for the first time and relented to my family I needed help. I was ushered in to see a private neurologist who was one of the most compassionate men I’ve ever met, who diagnosed me with new daily persistent headache (henceforth referred to as NDPH). I was elated. Why? Because I had not been previously diagnosed, treatments just felt like throwing shit at a wall and seeing what stuck. My neurologist set out a clear treatment plan which began with MRIs, blood tests and physical examinations. I was overjoyed.

Then, March of 2020 arrived. And with it, the Covid-19 lockdown in the UK. I was furloughed; left at home out of work to my own devices with no escape. The pain was intensifying still. At my neurologist’s request, I began duloxetine which felt like a miracle drug. My mood was lifting and my pain receding.

However, it was out of the frying pan and into the fire; one lockdown to another. Except this time, I was STILL working.

Then, in November of 2020, I broke. Spectacularly. In front of my manager…

The stress from work, the intense pain, insomnia and vivid dreams and nightmares had crushed me. I admitted to her that I had begun to think of terrible things, self-harm, intrusive suicidal thoughts; the whole lot.

One swift 111 call later and I was called by a member of the crisis team within a day, who set out a plan of action with me to help me deal with my issues and to help ease the pain.

2 weeks off work, an increase of duloxetine, sleep therapy, counselling, more exercise and more creative output.

As I write this, I am currently in my first day of my 2 weeks away from work.

I am hopeful I can get better. I mean, I’ve lasted this long right? Besides, this condition has been a testament to my willpower. I’ve managed to hold down a 40hr week job as a member of management, provide additional support across the county and have no sick days in the last 2 years! This all makes me proud.

I’ve omitted a lot of stuff here but the general idea is this: I just hope to feel better again. I just want to feel like Alex again.